like no one’s watching

Kimi Canete

Sometimes
There are no words to describe
The way that I feel,
So let me paint a picture:

A little girl with her hair in a ponytail
In a room of other ponytails
(Blonde ones; hers is the only black spot
In a field of pristine white sheep)

A taller, older ponytail
Teaches them how to count in eights,
How to bend their knees over their feet
But keep their backs straight,
Heads held high for imaginary crowns. 

Picture them:
Holding their balance until their ankles give out
At a wooden bar that creaks
When they dare to wobble
And put their hands down,
Watch them stare in silence
At the girl who falls, then gets back up. 

Watch ponytails grow taller
And legs grow longer
On little girls,
Watch the big one take them
Out of their pink tights
Into fishnets
(The blonde ones)

Watch them learn how to smile,
How to smirk, how to seduce
The adults who score them,
Judge them, praise them for the talents
They were not born with;

Are you watching them?
Are you entertained?
Have you forgotten
About the other one,
(The dark-haired, darker-skinned one)

Who stands in the back
And on the side, offstage
Until it is her turn to exist?
Can you see the way she avoids
The spotlights, even when she is
The only one dancing?

She has never gotten used
To white lights; she has never been blinded by them,
She has never seen the color of her body
In the studio mirror
Because she is always covered up,
Even when she sweats she refuses
To remove the sweats
She wears like armor,

She sees the light and color of others
Who are beautiful and unafraid, every day
She is reminded that she is alone
In a room full of ponytails. 

Picture them:
Swaying to the beat of a song
With words they are too young to understand,
Picture little girls
Grow up into adults
Who know how to feel pretty
(The blonde ones)

Picture the one
Who is harder to see
Even though she had always stood out:
Watch her struggle to look at herself
In a mirror, even when she is alone
Because she still feels alone,
Watch her struggle to speak
Even though she is no longer silenced

Because there are no words to describe
The way that she feels
(Only what she has been through),
Watch her count her steps on the sidewalk in eights
With her back straight,
Head held high for an imaginary crown
That she is learning to not let slip. 
Watch her get back up every time she falls down. 

Are you watching her?
Are you entertained?